ONE LONG CRAPPY WEEK

Well as I've said before this blog is like a journal to me, so today I'm sharing some very personal feelings and I apologize if I share too many details. I just feel this is a place to help me deal with things that are going on. It has been quite the crappy past 10 days. Lots of changes and feelings and things that I won't go into right now because looking back they are so trivial compared to this. There have also been silver linings during these dark clouds. I'm going to just share the events and feelings of the last 36 hours or so.
Many of you know we were anticipating the arrival of child #2 in May. I was so excited because it was perfect timing! Ashlyn and the baby would be 2 1/2 years apart and I wouldn't have to be pregnant in the Summer.
Well, Monday night we were getting ready to go to Cold Stone for Ashlyn's free birthday ice cream. Before we left, I noticed that I had light bleeding. I asked Cole what he thought and we decided to just wait and see if it went away. If it didn't then I was going to call the doctor after we got back. We had a fun time just being together as our little family and watching Ashlyn enjoy her blue ice cream (cotton candy flavor) with sprinkles. I really didn't think too much about what was going on in my body.
When we got home, the bleeding hadn't stopped and I was starting to have light cramping. I called the answering service for the doctor and they told me should would call me back within 45 minutes. So we waited. When she called be back, she asked the usual questions and told me to take it easy and that if it got worse to go to the hospital. She also told me to call the clinic in the morning and let them know what was going on. This was about 9:45, so I went in and got ready for bed and just laid on my left side for awhile. I was hoping and praying that it wasn't a big problem and that everything would be ok.
During the middle of the night I woke up with terrible stomach cramps. The next morning I woke up and as I was getting dressed I noticed that my stomach wasn't as hard as it had been. I didn't allow myself to pay much attention to it. I called the clinic and told them what was going on and they told me they would put a message into the nurse.
I have to say, I really like my doctor's nurse. She is so kind and listens to me and my questions. She called me back and said that I needed to come in and have some lab work done and an ultrasound. She said she would call and see if she could schedule the ultrasound for that afternoon. She called me back and said they could get me in at 1:30. She also said I needed to drink 32 oz of water by 12:30 and that I couldn't go to the bathroom either until after the ultrasound! Torture!
My Mom and Dad watched Ashlyn and Cole and I headed down to my appointment. I was stressing about it the whole way there. We finally found the building we were suppose to be in. That new hospital is ginormous! They took us back to the ultrasound room and checked my bladder to make sure it was ok. Then I got to go to the bathroom (yippee!) and then they had me change and they did an ultrasound. She was looking for the baby and since it was only the size of a medium green olive, it took a little bit of searching. Once she found the baby she turned to screen to show us. I could tell something was wrong by the look on her face. I prayed it wasn't so. She said there's the baby. I asked her if it was still alive and she shook her head and said no. She pointed to the baby's chest and said, "There should be a heartbeat right here." I just started crying. Cole gave me some kleenex and I just laid there. The techs told us to take our time and then left the room. I just stared at the screen of that little baby. I could see its head, arms, bum, legs and feet. I just didn't understand and I didn't know what I was feeling. I told Cole I felt like I had lost a baby even though we hadn't met, I still felt an incredible bond to it. We had been looking forward to a new member of our family and it was gone. Cole said he really hadn't worried too much about this happening with this pregnancy as he had with Ashlyn's. I think it really stunned him. He asked me if I some what knew this is what it was. I told him I had a feeling that this would be the result although I had maintained my faith. I got dressed and we walked back to the Women's Center. As we were walking I told Cole that it really helps that I have a baby to go home to. This experience has made me much more grateful for Ashlyn and my pregnancy with her. I realize more now that she is a miracle and a blessing in our life.
Logic says that it is probably best it happened now and that there was obviously something wrong with the baby. And I agree it is better at 9 weeks instead of 6 months or 9 months. But emotions don't always go along with logic.
As we walked into the Women's Center a couple and their brand new baby were heading home. It just made me cry more. I never really understood the impact a miscarriage has on someone. Now I get it. Although there isn't anything tangible it still hurts. I think it made it harder because I actually saw the baby.
I went up to my doctor's office and waited. Linda, the nurse I love, came out and said she hadn't received the results of the ultrasound yet and that she didn't know what was going on. I told her and she just gave me a hug and said she was so sorry. She went and checked and then told me I still needed to go and have my labs done so they could check things out.
We went over to the lab and Cole stayed in the waiting room since he hates needles and I knew there was a possibility he would pass out. While I was getting my blood drawn, he called his Dad and told them what had happened. I was trying to hold myself together. The nurse took me back and asked me how I was doing. I just broke down again. I think it really surprised her but she was so sweet. She said she was sorry and asked if I needed a hug. I took her up on the offer. As she was preparing to draw my blood, I saw her wipe a tear away. What a nice lady, she didn't even know me, yet she shared in my sorrow. We started talking and I found out that her granddaughter's name is Ashlyn too. Her Ashlyn is 3 1/2. We laughed about how funny they are. I thanked her for her kindness and went back over to the doctor's office. Since I am RH-negative, I had to have a shot. As we waited, Linda, explained to me what to expect over the next few days and what procedures will have to be done to resolve this. I got my shot and a bright blue crayon band-aid. When we got to the car I told Cole I needed a Dr. Pepper. We had to make a stop on the way home to pick up some Witch's Brooms that I had ordered at Swiss Days. They are adorable. Anyway, then Cole pulled into the 7-11. I went in and got a slurpee and a donut and they were delicious.
When we got back to my parents house, I just started crying all over again. They gave us hugs and told us how sorry they were. My mom had a miscarriage before her pregnancy with me, so she and my dad know what we are dealing with. They were so sweet. Then Ashlyn woke up from her nap and came out her happy self. I gave her a big hug and told her how much I love her. I asked my Mom if she would let our family know. I just didn't have it in me to call everyone. I did call Paige, because she was SO excited for us and the new baby. I feel bad though because I made her cry at her dance class! Paige is like a little sister to me, and she is such a kind and loving girl.
We went home and Cole was so good to entertain Ashlyn while I read up on miscarriages and just sat and thought about the days events. My sister called and I told her what had happened. She was so cute, she told me she had to run into Costco and that she would be right over with dinner. I really appreciate her thoughtfulness. We were just going to have eggs and she brought us Chicken and Pumpkin Bread Pudding (divine!) and luckily I had side dishes in the cupboard and fridge. :) She put together the dinner and as we were sitting down, my mom stopped by. After we ate, my brother called to see how I was doing. It was nice to have my family with me.
By 10:00 I was beat. I think I had cried enough for all of us. So I asked Cole if he would e-mail my friends and family and let them know what had happened. He told me he would take care of it and I went to bed.
This morning I woke up and saw that Cole had sent the nicest e-mail to everyone. And that I had so many responses from my friends. I just want to say Thank You to everyone. I really appreciate your thoughts, prayers, dinners, offers to take Ashlyn, and offers to do anything for me. I appreciate each one of you and I'm grateful for my friendships. I know I couldn't get through this alone. This is definitely a trial for me, but I know there is something to learn from this and that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and our family. Cole and I were asked to do a sealing assignment tomorrow, and I'm very grateful for the Temple and I'm looking forward to sitting with Cole in the Temple and being able to get through this together. I'm feeling ok and I'm just waiting for my body to do its thing. I hoping it will be done sooner rather than later. I want to take care of everything and start to move on.
Thanks again for your love and support.
Julie